Part of me wants to just jump back into this blog and pretend that I've completely been posting stuff for the past 8 months. Part of me wants to close this blog completely and have one less thing to maintain in my life. Yet another part of me feels like turning this blog into something good and positive, and feels that anyone still reading needs an explanation.
So an explanation. Yeesh.
For most of my adult life, I've practiced and believed in the Law of Attraction without really knowing what it was. Without having the mass-marketed DVDs, the self-help books and people all tizzy about some "secret," I knew that if I put positive energy into the world, I would get positive energy in return. It was never with the mindset that "this will get me a big house and a fancy car," which seems to be the major selling point of media designed to exploit philosophies like "The Secret." It was simply the closest I'd ever get to anything resembling religion - I'm not going to pray to a god, I'm not going to worship fucking ANYONE who threatens me with eternity in hell if I don't, and I'm not going to hang around with a bunch of hypocrites who follow to the letter the bible passages that suit their agenda and ignore or even contradict the ones that don't. Rather than wade around in all that muck, I chose to be more helpful than hurtful. Plain and simple.
And that works. The results actually come back to you tenfold. Hence the whole "One Charmed Motherfucker" business.
Within the past year, events have conspired to drain my precious, positive energy. That sales job I was so hyped up about turned out to be more stressful than performing brain surgery in the middle of an active runway. I was so stressed out, in fact, that I contracted a vicious case of pneumonia just before a crippling ice-storm. After six days in the hospital and three months sitting on my ass, unable to walk, talk or breathe, freezing and contemplating how One Charmed Motherfucker like myself could have fallen so far off the positive pedestal, I realized that slowly but surely, many of the people and things that I valued as examples of my positive returns had disappeared. My cool design studio, my lifelong friends, my incredible good fortune - all vanished, leaving me feeling even more lost as to who I was and just what the fuck happened. Ultimately, in a desperate act of self preservation, I quit my sales job and severed any ties with anything that didn't refill my reservoir of awesome, wonderful positiveness.
The recovery from pneumonia was actually much easier than recovering from a loss of charms. That's been a slow, ongoing rebuilding process, and involves a lot of therapy and life-coaching to get me back to having faith in myself, goals, motivation, and all-around "good vibes." Anyone upset that I'm not letting them help, you have to understand that this is something that I have to do for myself. End of discussion.
Part of recovering was reading back through the blog. Several times. I chuckle when I read posts that are clearly, in hindsight, attempts to convince myself that everything is okay. I worked very hard to convince myself that I liked the sales job. I didn't metaphysically commit to the job, because at its core, I didn't really like it. Vision boards, mastermind groups and/or meditation would only have pulled me further from Graphic Design, a true passion-turned-career.
And that's the thing with the Law of Attraction: The universe will give you everything you want, but if it's wrong for you, there WILL be a sign. I thought I wanted to be a successful salesperson. In reality, what I actually wanted to be was exactly what I already am. I just wanted a break from Graphic Design. And I got that. Thanks, you smart-assed universe, you. Now I know that if I need a new challenge, it will be in existing passions like music or sex. Not sales.
In regards to gratitude, I'm definitely grateful for the lessons I learned in the past year. I will get over this hump, and I will be rebuilt stronger and better than ever. I've never regretted any steps I've ever made, because everything has always worked out to my ultimate advantage. It's my universe, and for whatever reason, I constructed it in exactly this way. I'll accept that, and one main goal is to be able to read back through this blog in 130 days and be grateful that I am no longer lost.
Tonight I was told that I have been "living inside my own head" a lot lately, and that's completely accurate. I'd even add a "happily" to either end of that. Right now, and well into fall, it's all about me. I've got to find the kid that I left behind a few years ago. The damage that I've allowed to happen is more severe than I would have ever admitted to in previous months, and it's not just a "funk" that I need to get out of, I need to adopt an entirely different frame of mind. The combined one-two-punch of physical illness coupled with mental anguish has taken a toll on each and every one of my chakras, and both of my brain cells.
Over the next 130-odd days, I'll be training to run a half-marathon that takes place in November, the same month as my birthday, and one year from when I contracted pneumonia. I'll also be working on building my business and getting my finances in order. Again, prior to this year, The Law of Attraction has always worked for me before I even consciously knew of its existence. And since then, the growing popularity of this Fantastic Little Law has brought to light many wonderful tools and techniques to help one achieve his or her goals. (Get on YouTube and search for Vision Boards, and you'll see what I mean.) And with me being at what I'll allow myself to call "rock bottom," I'm going to utilize these tools to test their efficacy.
Progress and analysis to be posted here at OneCharmedMotherfucker.com.
Comments are henceforth closed to the public. I appreciate the feedback, but for the time being, I don't need the entire internet yakking at me. I want to retain as much focus as I can on the voice inside my head. I've missed that guy.
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